this is me ranting...

So yesterday I got mad at my dad... silently mad. Because I had caught him smoking. I was mad that he was smoking, and mad that he practically lied to us, his family. He told my sister and I that he had quit when we were younger. Now I'm not young and he's still smoking! He even tried to hide it from me which just hurt more. It would be one thing if he told me, "Dessy I'm stressed and need a cigarette." I would be mad at him for smoking but for him to say, "Dessy I'm going outside to work on my car." and then I come outside to see if he needs help (i've been helping my dad with the cars and building stuff and etc etc since I was little) and there he is, car parked, hood not open or anything, and he's smoking, that just hurt more. When he heard the door he tossed the cigarette into the snow, blew a long puff of disgusting smoke, and looked into the trash can as if he was checking to make sure he took the trash out and wasn't smoking.... worst cover up ever! The fact that he tried to cover it up just hurt me more. I just stared at him with the hurt showing in my eyes, then pretended I didn't want to yell at him and cry, and just simply said, "I saw that" and went inside. He came in like ten min later, smelling like smoke. I didn't want to stand near him, he stunk and my nose was going nuts! I hate treating my dad like that, telling him what not to do I feel like it's so disrespectful, but cigarettes are SO bad for you. I want my dad to be around for when I get married I want him to walk me down the aisle, I want my dad to see his grandchildren! I want my parents to grow old together, I want to care for them. I want my dad to see me succeed in my career. My dad's dad died before I was born. I didn't know him at all, I only know him from the memorabilia and what my family has told me about him. I know he fished, I know my dad loved him a lot and my dad was devastated just absolutely torn apart when his dad passed away.... I want my kids and my sister's kids to know their grandpa... who's being selfish here? me or him? we have a lot of genetic diseases running in our family. my dad works SO HARD even though at his age he should be starting to retire.... he shouldn't be working 6 days a week,  working 5 hours of overtime just to get up the next morning and do it all again! He shouldn't be doing the labor his younger crew members SHOULD be doing but are just TOO LAZY! I just wanna yell at his crew and say, "LOOK, my DAD has been working here longer than you've been ALIVE, so MAN UP and do the WORK! I would GLADLY take your job if I did not have school!" Actually I could probably do their job better than them, I might be a girl and I might look small and weak but I'm stronger than I look! What really hurts the most about my dad smoking is that he lies about it.... my mom always says, "it's not the fact that you lied to me that hurt, it's the fact that you thought I wasn't worth the truth." That's why I always try to tell the truth unless it's like a white lie to cover up a good surprise, like a surprise party or a gift. Plus, I'm a terrible liar. I may not be all too religious anymore, even tho I was raised to be religious, went thru all the Church sacraments.... baptism, first communion, confirmation... but I'm not really religious anymore... found too many things that didn't make sense to me... but I'm still spiritual... so I don't wanna lie. But anyways I really dunno what else to say... I could probably rant all day on why I hate that my dad smokes... I just want my daddy around.... He shortens his life with every puff of toxic smoke he takes... Daddy, don't you wanna see me grow up? Daddy, don't you wanna be with us as long as possible? Daddy, please stop smoking! I love you too much to let you go any time soon!! Daddy, please.....

frustration early in the morning...

Ok so not only did I have to wake up at 7am, but I was up every hour after 1am during the night/early morning... so I was already tired. Had to go to the dentist. On the drive over, the roads were slick cuz it had snowed last night really heavy, so I had to drive like super cautious and I get to a 35mph zone and this jerk decides to cut me off! THINK QUICK DESSY HOW DO YOU SLAM ON THE BREAKS WITHOUT SLAMMING ON THE BREAKS WHICH WOULD CAUSE ME TO FISH TAIL OR SLIDE!!Got there at 8am, then my dad's car decided to start flashing the lights and the horn was going off and I'm like WHAT WHAT STOP STOP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!(when i got home my dad said I had accidently hit the panic button on the keychain thingy) it finally stopped I went in told them I had an 8am appointment, took a seat and at 8:20 they told me my appointment was for 8:30..... grrrr..... then they flossed my teeth so hard my gums tore and bled... come on was that REALLY necessary? i take good care of my teeth!! (Comic relief: I was so tired I was practically falling asleep in the chair lol)

So yeah day was hard before 9:30... now I'm gonna go bake cuz I LOVE baking!! speaking of which I tried baking a gingerbread house in this mold my mom got me... i went to go transfer it from the pan to a cookie tray for decorating and it fell apart.... so yeah the Big Bad Wolf came and blew my gingerbread house down.... let's try this again... just hope I have all the ingredients.... this first attempt was premade dough.... mom's gonna be a little mad.... oopsies